by Mary Price (05 Jan 04)

It went against everything the boss man had ever said previously about how to continue moving up the company ladder, as I heard him mutter: "Low profile. Most important."

"I thought the whole idea," I said, "was to keep a high profile."

"No, no," he came back. "High profile gives entirely the wrong impression - not thrusting, not competitive, not aggressive. Absolutely must be low profile."

He was in the middle of the annual agonising about what to choose as his next company car, and we were, indeed, out having a test drive in one of the candidates.

"Look," I said, "I just don’t follow this. How can a low profile attitude be thrusting, competitive and whatever else you said?"

"Not attitude, Mary!" he snapped. "I’m talking about the tyres. There’s a choice here between standard high profile tyres and these sportier low profile types. I think I’ll have to go for them - they really look the business."

I had to point out: "But I’ve just been agreeing with you that this car is bumping about all over the place, and you said the tyres were to blame because it wasn‘t possible to get enough air in them."

"Well, that’s true. But think of the advantages. Low profile tyres give far better handling at flat-out cornering speeds on track days and twisting roads, and if you’ve got them fitted everybody thinks you’re a real hot-shot."

But Look Here

I ticked off the stupidities in this statement one by one: "You’ve never been at a track day. You never drive flat out on twisting roads. And if you think you’ve a reputation in any way, shape or form as a hot-shot, let me tell you . .  ."

Actually, I stopped my outwardly spoken remarks at "twisting roads". No sense in making him go on the defensive, even though his on-the-attack conversation was verging on the lunatic.

"And didn’t I read somewhere that these fancy tyres are so low that they’re responsible for lots of damage to wheels if you happen to clip a kerb in town, because the wheel crunches off the kerb while a tyre doing the same thing would just bounce off?"

That got him. "I do not," he said stiffly, "clip kerbs. My cornering lines, in town and out, are impeccable."

I was about to respond that most of his out-of-town motoring on the company’s behalf seems to be on motorways, where kerbs, cornering lines and twisting roads hardly come into it. But what’s the use?

Another Thing

There was something else which bothered me: "Haven’t you told me that these low profile tyres are always fitted to fancy, expensive wheels?"

"Alloys - yes. They’re lighter, they help the power to weight ratio and they really improve the look of the car."

"So if you damage one of them, it costs more to repair than an ordinary wheel?"

"If the damage is too great, the wheel would usually be scrapped."

"And to replace it would cost more than if it were an ordinary wheel?"

He sighed: "Obviously."

"So . . ." I was about to put a supplementary question about this power to weight thing when there was a rat-a-tat from under the car, and instead asked, "What was that?"

"I’ve just run over a few cat’s eyes in overtaking that bus you may have noticed. Low profile tyres always make more noise in those circumstances. It’s an inescapable result of their construction."

Summing it all up, these things are noisier, bumpier and more expensive. They‘re more suited to race circuits than ordinary roads. And if you happen to nudge a kerb, you may need to replace the wheel.

How illogical.

At the end of the test drive, saying, "After all, it’s the impression they give that counts," the boss man decided to go for the low profile tyres.

How predictable.

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